i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
