You're completely useless in the revolution.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
