I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
