booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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