Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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