My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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