Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
