where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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