Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize