Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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