dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
