I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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