he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
