Dude my mom stole all your condoms
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
