i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
