Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
