when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
