all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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