His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
