So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
