Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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