i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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