I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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