Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
