Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The power of my boobs compel you
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
