haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
