u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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