Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
