two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
