I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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