I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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