Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize