Can i not drive my cunt home
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
