I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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