Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
