i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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