im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
