The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
