Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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