So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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