My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
