my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
