All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
