OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
