goodnight i made you a song goodbye
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
