Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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