you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
