We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
