Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
