shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
