I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
