Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
