Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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