My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
