this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
