I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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