I was born with a shot glass in my hand
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
