According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
