Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
