Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize