We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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