matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
