did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
