dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think my fart just growled at me.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
