I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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