the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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