If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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