even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
